Forgiveness is probably one of the most difficult things to practice consistently.  Our primal instincts can’t help but hold on to things that hurt us, whether that was done by someone else, or by ourselves.  But, holding grudges or burying feelings of anger and grief causes significant stress and strain on our bodies, minds and overall well being. 

When we add to that unforeseen events and uncertainty, our nervous system is guaranteed to get overwhelmed and start to shut down:  that could look like exhaustion, lack of sleep, getting sick, or just being completely disconnected from ourselves and loved ones.

What does forgiveness have to do with all of this?  

Decades of research have linked the regular practice of forgiving those who've wronged us with benefits such a  boost in overall heart health, less psychological stress, improved physical ability, and even a longer life.

What IS forgiveness exactly?  

It’s easier to start by making clear what forgiveness is NOT. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting, condoning, or excusing offenses. It is not reconciliation and does not require you to connect with that person in any way.  

Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from hostility, anger, resentment, and the desire for retaliation or revenge so as to create peace of mind for YOU.

How do I forgive?

1. TELL the story:  Write out the story of the offending incident or circumstances.  Include your emotions, reactions, and assumptions. DON’T HOLD BACK.  This is YOUR story. The intention of this step is to connect to it so as to accept that it is a thing that happened.

2. ACCEPT it happened: Go back through your story and accept that it happened that way.  Accept that that was your experience and that it abslolutely sucked. Acceptance is not about changing anything, it is simply about allowing yourself to fully experience the heartbreak and pain it caused.

3. LEARN the lesson(s): every single thing, good, bad or neutral, has a lesson for us.  Once you have fully recounted, expressed and accepted your experience, think about the lessons you can take with you as you move forward.  Did this experience help you see what you do want in a partner? Did it help you understand areas where you are under-supported or overly accommodating?  Did it help you create space in your life for new experiences and opportunities? The possible lessons are endless. Take some time to write down and read all of the lessons that have come from this experience.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE the other person’s humanity:  People are flawed, they act on emotion and are blinded by pain when they do not have the tools to cope in healthy ways.  Acknowledge their pain and their struggle. Even if this is someone who refuses help or support, you can still acknowledge their experience without condoning their actions or excusing what they did.  Seeing them as a person with emotions brings compassion into your heart for a fellow human. That is all.

5. CHECK-IN with yourself:  Ask yourself if you are willing to release the anger and forgive.  If not, that is OK, go back through steps 1- 4 and dive deeper into each one.  Get into that pillow punching anger and the ugly sobbing cry. Let it ALL out. Depending on how long you’ve been holding on to a hurtful situation, this can take a few rounds to fully get to willingness.

6. RELEASE the anger: This step is a choice.  Sometimes it is a choice that needs to be made repeatedly.  That is why getting to willingness is crucial. There are two practices that I find the most effective at the release, pick the one that resonates with you most or do both!  You can’t go wrong.  

   1. Meditate:  Picture yourself releasing the anger and resentment into the sky.  Allowing it to float away from you. Here is one of my favorite guided meditations to follow along with: https://youtu.be/X6tr6zExum4.

   2. Write: Write down all the benefits of releasing the anger, resentment and vindication that you’ve held toward this situation and/or person.  Then write down all the thoughts and feelings that you are releasing and rip that up and throw it out. 

The SAME steps apply to any situation or person that you need to forgive, including yourself!  This practice releases you from the negative energy that had a hold on your mind and body. It doesn’t make you forget but it gives the story no more power over you than a novel you read.  It rewrites it as an experience you learned from and not an experience that destroyed you. Forgiveness allows you to honor yourself and tell the universe that you deserve peace and happiness.